Two years ago today

Copy/paste from my journal written exactly two years ago today on February 6, 2021.

Content Warning: death, death preparations, young death, pet death, marriage, spouse, starting a family, missed opportunities, eating again, lovey dovey love

I feel like I’m preparing for everything. Not just a little prep either. I’m preparing and trying to get everything in order for my death, completely, to make it easier on J. A lot of the details [arranged] so he’ll not have too much extra on him during that time. I’m reading books to be thorough and one’s a practical “organize your records so your family won’t have to” and another’s called “a beginners guide to the end” from 2019 so it was (sic) be useful in many respects as well.

But at the same time I’m preparing and sorting through everything trying to make my death easier for Jonathan, I am also preparing for “what if I just keep living” and trying to ensure that huge phases of life don’t pass us by because we’re waiting for the end that comes so delayed it’s taken all of J’s youth. 

I’m also preparing for what if things turn around and I start getting better enough to be independent and lead some kind of life, in the event we could attempt a family, not in my body of course, but these things need to be thought about so I have some kind of knowledge or opinion and things don’t pas (sic) me by or I end up looking back one day and saying shoulda done that then, for the big important things like, start a family. 

All of my preparation for any path is for Jonathan. I want to set him up as well as I can for all eventualities (at least the large ones) so he doesn’t just spend his entire life on me and then miss out on things for himself. But also it’s a way I can show him I love him tremendously. 

(Even planning on getting a dog so Jonathan doesn’t lose both me and Faich around the same time. If that happens, hopefully there will be another dog already bonded to him.)

And now that I can eat again, I’m even preparing for the week’s food and dinners and and trying to load the dishwasher and keep the kitchen/house clean. Not all of that at once, but each a single focus for a week or so.

So from tiny daily tasks which already take me too long or I cannot physically do them, alllllll the way to big picture death plans and everything in between like family plans vs age, health. 

It’s just weird prepping for death and also prepping for a family and just prepping things in general to make life easier for Jonathan. 

All this while sick everyday, some days much worse than others.

All while wanting to accomplish my dreams, and let God lead me to tell my story somehow. To help other people. To show people love. All those or any of those fulfill my heart, but it’s a lot altogether for anyone let alone while being this ill.

• ← Surviving Survival Mode – Arthritis Life Podcast Interview
• Holy Spirit is bigger than the white elephant in the room. →